Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Kisses and Blessings

My sweet girl has turned one.

525,600 minutes.. one year. How fast it Flies

How do you measure a year?

For us this week  we are celebrating 525,600 minutes of pure love and amazing blessings. The truth of every second  is nothing more than love.

From moments of doubt and uncertainty. Was I really even in labor? Shouldn't this be more painful?

To a screaming, squalling, cuddly little ball of pure love!

She settled into our lives as though she had always been there and was exactly what was missing.

When the nights and days ran into each other and I just prayed to live through them.
When the sun began to shine and the smiles came. The blessings knocked on my door.
Despite the sleepless nights and the long days full of worry. The awe and wonder of it all broke through every ounce of fear.
And She Smiled. Not just at me but into me. Her being presenting itself in a way no other child before had. Her presence was unmistakable
She would cuddle close and hold on tight as though her life depended solely on being in my arms. I reveled in the wonder of the child that surprised me.
And yet each day the wonder and awe grew. It bloomed like flowers in the spring after heavy rains.
She would not quit. She held the world in her hands and studied each moment as though it was the only one.
Laughter and sunshine despite many grey and bleak days.  She surrounded me in stars and moon glow.
She smooshed into me as though she were part of my body still. Cuddled deep into my heart and soul.
Watching through her eyes as the lights sparkled on the tree, sensing the wonder of all the world around me. I counted my blessings as she slept peacefully in my arms.
At almost a year I began to wonder how the year sped by. 
Now she is one. Self confident and aware. She knows what she wants. Her smile lights up my day and her tears tear at my heart. She does also still hate her carseat. Yet, I am amazed every day with how much I love the tiny, powerful, unexpected miracle that God has blessed me with.
I am blessed beyond belief to have such a wonderful little girl in my arms.
I can simply hope that my love is enough and that His Grace keeps it that way.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Conflict and Chaos

I feel sad. Of course I knew I would on a human level, but I wasn't prepared for the conflicted feelings I am dealing with now. I am looking back on things in a very different light. I know we both did what we did because we both felt we were doing the right thing. We both acted out of love for the boys, even if we were coming from wildly different places.
 She did teach me a lot.

 She taught me how to sew. She bought me my first sewing machine and sewing box. I still remember her patiently teaching me how to read the pattern for the pig costume I was making AJ. I still have that sewing machine and sewing box. I still smile when I look at it. I always have, even when things were dark.

 She helped me discover fine dining. I cringe when I think back. She took me to a nice place for my "last meal" before Tyler was born and I ordered a filet mignon. We were at a place in Fall River on the water. I ordered my steak well done! Oh if I had only known.

She taught my older boys to swim. I don't know how and my older two are absolute fish! They loved her pool and her hot tub. Looking back on that, it was a wild experience for them. It was something I didn't have the capacity to give them.

She once sent a giant... I mean GIANT bag of stuff from her store. Crafty things and doohickies. Little cups and butterflies. I loved it. I still haven't used all of it. It was a really thoughtful thing for her to do. That was while things were going well with all of us. She braved 100* heat to see the boys play despite it taking a toll on her.

She gave me my first car. A ford Mustang convertible that I LOVED driving. I felt so bad ass in that thing. I will never forget driving to work in Acushnet, just a little too fast, and spinning it all the way round on a sand patch.

She placed the most obnoxious crying baby mat under my feet at the baby shower for Tyler. It made me so frustrated at the time.

She patiently tried to teach me to wrap gifts. She even secretly had me wrap my own one year. I was terrible at it. I still am. She loved Christmas though. She was always like a big kid. The cookies and the egg nog to decorate the tree. The burned batch and one broken ornament each year. We still do the cookies and egg nog here. There was this bubble bear that was possessed too.
The hours she spent lovingly putting out her village and decorating. I don't have that patience at all.

I guess those things make me sadder than I thought they would.
But most of all...
She loved those boys. Loved them like they were her own children. And really, that is always a win in my book

Sunday, February 16, 2014

True Forgiveness-

There are people in this world that break parts of who we are and challenge us in ways that change the trajectory of who we become. They inject something into our character, be it good or bad, and it becomes part of us. We don't always have a choice, and it doesn't always feel good, but it is still part of our being. It shapes how we grow, learn, relate, and feel.

Sometimes those things are awful and tear apart the person you are. They break you. They wound you.  And yet, in the darkness, there is still forgiveness.

Seeing the pain in my children's eyes as they embark on the loss of someone they love is difficult. It hurts to sit back and watch them as they maneuver the unforgiving  clock that just keeps ticking faster. There is no turning back. I am saddened by their loss of time, their loss of love, and their loss of innocence. I am saddened at a life being torn from this world so painfully. So soon. Without reparations made. I am saddened that this poor woman and her family , of which I was once part, are hurting.

I want to remain angry and recount every misdeed. I want to be spiteful and not care.

That is not who my Savior created me to be. I have chased those shadows for years and many days before this journey, I forgave the hurt. I moved past it because, people don't behave poorly because they are happy and healthy inside. People that inflict pain do it because they hurt inside. Because  they are broken and want the world to be broken beside them. they do not want to be alone.

Despite the madness and evil . I have forgiven. Truly forgiven. I release it all. I will continue to pray. I will continue to support my children.

As a child that comes before our Savior and asks for forgiveness, so I go before him and ask for mercy. Not for myself but on behalf of her. Because Lord,  I finally understand. Any animal, when wounded enough, will strike. I refuse to let myself become part of the spiral.